


Let's Pretend

by leekycauldron



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Growing Up Together, Hogwarts Era, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Pining, Post-Battle of Hogwarts, Post-Hogwarts, Pre-Hogwarts, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 18:31:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9619997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leekycauldron/pseuds/leekycauldron
Summary: Pansy spent the entirety of her teenage years pining after her best friend. Draco might have known about this and he might not have but Pansy didn't care either way. She was blinded by her love for him and he might have taken advantage but again, Pansy didn't really care. He was her best friend after all.Ten snapshots into the mind of Pansy Parkinson throughout her friendship with Draco Malfoy, from beginning to end.





	

 

 **i  
** **06/02/1986**

They met when they were just five years old, a cold February day where she was wrapped up in a bright pink duffle coat and he a black jacket with a green scarf that covered his neck up to his face, slightly red from the harsh wind even after they'd entered the quiet café.

Pansy had never spoken to a boy before and so she hid behind her mother’s legs as she conversed with who Pansy supposed was the strange boy’s own mother. Pansy heard her mother say there was no need to be shy; Draco was perfectly polite, she’d said. But Pansy wasn't having any of it. Not even when the boy took a few steps towards her and held out a gloved hand for her to shake.

“I’m Draco, it's nice to meet you.” He introduces himself in a way that Pansy would have thought of as too sophisticated for his age if she even knew what the word meant at the time. Draco’s hand drops to his side when Pansy refuses to shake it, his brows furrowed as though his small mind can't comprehend why this girl in the bright pink coat hadn't wanted to shake his hand.

“Mummy always says not to talk to strangers.” Pansy’s voice is stubborn as she folds her arms across her chest and she watches as Draco chews on his bottom lip as though she's presented him with a puzzle and he's trying to solve it. Then his grey eyes light up.

“If we’re friends I'm not a stranger anymore.” He speaks carefully and Pansy thinks maybe boys aren't that scary because this boy, Draco, is smiling at her. “Do you want to be my friend?” Pansy nods with a giggle, going completely against Draco’s previous formalities as she hugs him abruptly. Children don't have any perception of personal space and that's why she hugged him so tight and he hugged her back without a hint of hesitation.

“I'm Pansy. Let's play hide and seek.” And just like that, they were friends.

  
**ii  
** **03/06/1989**

“Pans, you _have_ to come. Mum says she won’t take no for an answer so you have no choice.” It’s his ninth birthday in two days and maybe Pansy is a little too young to feel insecure but she’d read about insecurity (or read as much as she could understand at her age) when she was peeking through one of her mother’s copies of _Witch Weekly_ and now she thinks she feels it. She’s worried that Draco is growing up and leaving her behind; she’d know that fear was irrational now but at the age of only eight, two months difference in age feels like a lifetime. Draco would probably have friends at the party that Pansy didn’t know and what if they didn’t like her? What if they hated her and teased her and Draco joined in because he’s older now?

“What if your friends don’t like me?” Pansy whispers as she plonks herself down on Draco’s bedroom floor, legs crossed with her fingers tracing cracks in the wood before she pulls her dress over her knees. Draco had asked her earlier if the pattern embroidered in the dress were pansies because of her name and she had laughed and called him ‘silly’ because obviously they were daisies, before he pushed her onto the floor with a laugh in retort.

“If they don’t, then I don’t want them to be my friend anymore.” He speaks as though it’s the simplest thing ever and Pansy thinks she’s the luckiest person in the world for having a friend like him as he sits down on the floor in front of her, his legs crossing so their knees touch and he watches the movement of her fingers carefully. “You’re my only _real_ friend anyway. Everyone else is too nice.”

Pansy snickers at his words as her eyes look up to meet his, there’s amusement flashing on his face and there’s a hopeful childish glint in his eyes as he stares at her. Pansy thinks he’s right. She loves Draco unconditionally, they’ve rarely spent more than a week apart since that first time they met but her mind flashes back to when he pushed her on the floor earlier or the time she shouted her first curse word at him and thinks maybe other people wouldn’t understand that they show their affection in more ways that just jokes and hugs. Some people are just too nice. Or the two of them are a little too unkind for eight-year-olds but Pansy doesn’t consider that much.

“I suppose I can come to your party then.” Draco’s face practically lights up as he beams at her, his whole demeanour changing until he appears lighter than he had for the entirety of the day. He practically bounces to his feet, grabbing her hand and pulling her up with him. Pansy can't stop the grin spreading across her face as he hugs her in excitement – they may not show all their affection through hugs but that doesn't mean hugging isn't a frequent occurrence.

“It's going to be so fun, Pansy, I promise!” Draco practically yells in excitement. “We might even be able to sneak a sip of father’s fire whiskey while he's not looking.” Pansy thinks maybe she's too young to be trying alcohol, her mother always told her she can't touch it until she's old enough to read a full book cover to cover (a proper book,  not one of her beloved fairytale books) and Pansy isn't even close to that. But the mischief in Draco's eyes is Pansy’s favourite thing and the fact that she goes along with what he says when she sees that look has got them in to more trouble than she'd like to remember. Pansy doesn't care though, she's certain she'd do anything for her best friend.

 

 **iii  
** **01/09/1991**

Pansy’s fingers pull at a stray piece of fabric on the seat beside her, resting her head against the window as she listens the rhythm of the Hogwarts Express on the train tracks. Her mind is spinning, her stomach in knots as she runs over the possibilities of what could happen when she arrives for her first year at Hogwarts. She hasn’t spoken a word to her best friend opposite her since he arrived aside from a ‘hello’ and he thinks it’s strange how quiet she is but knows it’s best not to disturb her when she’s worked up over something. Draco is already dressed in his robes, Pansy can’t even bring herself to do that yet because she’s terrified and Merlin, she envies Draco the majority of the time but especially at times like this – he’s never phased by anything, unlike her.

“Are you nervous?” Pansy questions before taking a ridiculously large bite of the chocolate frog Draco had bought her because she has to at least eat _something_. She’s completely aware of the chocolate smeared around her mouth. Her mother always told her that it’s not ladylike to behave so carelessly, especially in front of a male but she thinks it doesn’t matter with Draco; he’s seen her knickers once before when he pushed her off of her broom in a game of tag and her skirt rode up, a bit of chocolate really wasn’t a big deal.

“About what?”

“Everything. Going to Hogwarts, making new friends, getting sorted into your house.” Pansy counts her reasons on her fingers as Draco watches her, amusement clear in his eyes as though he’d been waiting for this conversation since he sat down. Pansy thinks he knows her too well sometimes but then realises that’s not a problem because she knows just as much about him. She’s spent many hours telling him everything on her mind only for him to make her feel better with a few kind words and a little bit of name-calling and a cuddle. “I couldn’t sleep last night.”

“You’ll make friends straight away, Pans. You made friends with me easy enough.”

“Draco, we were five. It’s not that simple at this age.” Pansy scowls at him and she almost laughs at the way she’s talking. She sounds like an old woman, she knows and Draco thinks the same because a slight snort of laughter can be heard from him as he swallows a handful of sweets.

“Just relax. Even if you don’t make friends, you still have me.” All she can do is nod because he’s right and she really does need to relax, this is supposed to be exciting. “Unless, of course, you get sorted into Hufflepuff. Then I’d have no choice but to never speak to you again.” Pansy directs a light kick straight to his shin and he laughs, she can’t stop the corners of her mouth curling upwards because his laughter is infectious and it’s her favourite sound.

“Not funny.”

“I’ll be in Slytherin, there’s not been a single Malfoy that hasn’t been in Slytherin.” Draco has a hint of superiority in his tone, something he always takes on when he’s discussing his family or his blood status. Honestly, Pansy wasn’t even aware about the significance of blood until Draco explained to her the difference between pure-bloods and other types of wizards, something she supposed he learnt from his father. Pansy isn’t sure she fully agrees with those views but she tells Draco she does every time it’s mentioned; she likes the way his eyes shine when she agrees with him, when she really feels important to him.

“You’ll be Slytherin too, Pans. Just wait.” She hopes more than anything that he’s right.

   
**iv  
****14/02/1993**

Pansy has only just managed stop the tears falling freely down her face as she pulls her knees up onto the couch beside her, her head on Draco’s lap, his fingers combing through her hair as he waits for her to calm down. She thanks Salazar that it’s 2am and no one else is awake to hear her this way because Pansy Parkinson isn’t weak and no one can see her like this, no one except Draco. The tone of his quiet, soothing ‘shh’ echoes through the dungeons as she tries her absolute best to get a fucking grip because she’s thirteen now and she shouldn’t be sobbing over things as pathetic as this.

“He’s not worth it, y’know? I always told you he’s an arse.” And Pansy wants to roll her eyes at his way of saying ‘I told you so’ but she can’t when they’re sore from crying so she just nods quickly. Draco is right, of course he is, and Pansy knew that all along but Theo was the first person who showed her any attention in that way and she was foolish to believe it. And now it’s Valentine’s Day and her (ex)boyfriend has been shagging Flora Carrow behind her back and Pansy doesn’t think she’s ever felt so stupid. Of course he’d prefer a fourth year, most boys want sex and Pansy certainly wasn’t prepared to give him that at the age of thirteen.

“You didn’t have sex with him, did you?” Draco asks, his fingers hesitating in her hair as he speaks and Pansy thinks she hears a hint of jealousy in his tone but then again she probably imagined it; she thinks she imagines half of the affection Draco shows her. She ignores the fact that it’s because she wants it so much, she wants him to care for her as much as she cares for him but sometimes he’s cold and she doesn’t know what to do with him because growing up creates distance and at times like this she pretends it’s not there.

“Of course not.” Pansy scoffs with a rather unattractive sniffle, lifting her head up off his lap finally to look him in the eyes and she imagines that there’s a flash of relief in the grey. “We kissed and we did… stuff but never _that_.” Draco nods and Pansy shuffles uncomfortably, she wonders when they reached a point where he didn’t already know these things about her. She wonders when they reached a point where she felt awkward discussing these things with him.

“I’ll hex him in the corridor tomorrow, if you want?” That mischievous glint that Pansy has grown up to love makes her heart skip a beat because he does care, just not as intensely and in his own way and it’s okay. Sometimes. Not when she looks at him and her pulse quickens and her face flushes red and sometimes when she thinks of his smile she gets small butterflies in the pit of her stomach. She’s sure that’s friendship, that’s how everyone feels towards their best friend but she’s too scared to ask Draco if he feels it too.

“I’d like that.”

“You need sleep, your eyes are all red.” Draco mutters softly, standing from the sofa and holding out his hand for her to take as she stands up. When her skin touches his, Pansy feels those familiar butterflies she feels every time he touches her; she also notices the way he doesn’t seem phased in the slightest but ignores that completely. “I’ll walk to breakfast with you tomorrow and we’ll act like he doesn’t exist, yeah? Just me and you like old times.” Pansy could burst into tears of joy right then and there if she hadn’t already cried as much as she thought was possible.

And when the blonde leans forward just the slightest amount, his head tilted downwards towards hers, she thinks he’s going to kiss her lips and she didn’t realise she wanted that until her breathing stops and her hands are shaking by her side. But his lips land on her cheek in the slightest brush of a goodnight kiss and Pansy feels a sense of disappointment over something she didn’t even know she needed but she’ll take what she can get because this is Draco and she’ll always care more than she has to with him.

   
**v  
****25/12/1994**

 _'You look fucking beautiful, Pans’_ , he had said as she made her way towards him in the entrance to the Great Hall and she had blushed as pink as her frilly gown as she took his arm. Now as she dances with him at the Yule Ball, his arm around her waist and her head on his shoulder, she thinks that nothing compares to him. Nothing is as beautiful as Draco Malfoy.

Pansy has come to accept that the feelings she has for Draco go way beyond the way one should feel for their best friend. She learnt that it definitely isn’t friendship when she asked Daphne and Millie what they thought love was and they described exactly how she felt. They’d both said they hope they fall in love one day and Pansy didn’t want to tell them that sometimes love feels like a dagger through the heart when you see that one person with his lips on another girls’ neck and it’s like a form of silent torture when it’s a different girl the next week and another the week after. She wishes more than anything that just once that girl could be her.

But tonight that doesn’t matter because Draco asked _her_ to the ball over anyone else and maybe it’s only because she’s the only girl he’s ever been close enough to dance with but Pansy never got over that habit of pretending and tonight she pretends that it’s because he loves her back.

The night disappears much faster than Pansy would like it to and soon enough, it’s midnight and the ball is over. Draco keeps his fingers intertwined with hers though as they leave the hall and he doesn’t let go until they reach the door to the common room. She’s sure this must just be another one of those things she imagines but it’s not and it’s real and he’s perfect.

They pause at the entrance to the dormitories, Draco finally letting go of her hand as he faces her – Pansy feels uncharacteristically nervous under his gaze. “I’m glad you asked me to go with you, Draco. It was so wonderful.” Pansy hadn’t told him that she was glad he’d asked her to the Ball, the conversation in which she was asked included a nonchalant shrug of her shoulders and a short ‘why not’ as they sat in the library one afternoon. Inside she was squealing with delight.

“I- You were the only person I could’ve asked.” Draco’s smiling as he speaks but Pansy can’t help but feel hurt by his words, was she really his last resort? “You’re the only person I care about in this shitty school; I couldn’t have possibly asked anyone else.” Oh Merlin, Pansy thinks this is the happiest she’s ever felt and it can’t get better than this, ever.

Except it can because his fingers are on her chin and he tilts her head up to his and he’s oh so gorgeous as he stares down at her. “You really do look stunning tonight, Pans.” And Pansy doesn’t even get time to hide her blush this time as Draco places a soft peck on her lips which lasts a second at most but it’s enough to make her head spin and she thinks she might pass out. “I- uh, I just wanted to check something that’s all.” Draco murmurs awkwardly and its now his turn for his pale cheeks to go a light shade of pink. And then he leans forward once more and it’s longer this time and Pansy doesn’t think she’s held her breath for this long before.

The kiss is soft and slow and Pansy’s eyes flutter closed through instinct as their lips move together. Draco’s lips are softer than she ever imagined and when his tongue swipes against her mouth, she opens hers just enough to let him into her own mouth before she has to grip his arm to steady herself. This is the definition of magic, Pansy thinks, forget spells and potions; it’s kissing Draco Malfoy. It ends all too soon and Pansy finds herself desperately chasing his mouth as he pulls away until she snaps herself out of it and she opens her eyes to find him looking down at her, his brows furrowed.

“That was…” Amazing. Perfect. Everything I could have ever imagined. “Different.” Draco beams down at her and Pansy smiles back but she doesn’t think that he means the good kind of different.

“It was, yeah, it was different.” She nods because she always makes sure he knows she agrees with him, even when she doesn’t. “What were you checking?”

“I felt like I wanted to kiss you all night, I was checking that it would be as good as I hoped.” Draco shrugs, cracking his knuckles in that way that irritates most people beyond belief but she finds it more endearing that anything.

“And?”

“Like I said… different.” He’s right, it was different. Different because Pansy is so head-over-heels for the blonde in front of her and this night is a dream come true. But he doesn’t mean it that way, she knows that and this time she doesn’t even feel like pretending. Instead she mimics his grin and she’s aware that his words act as a mutual agreement that it didn’t mean anything other than curiosity – even if she doesn’t fully feel the same on her behalf.

“I’ll take that as a compliment, Malfoy.”

“Don’t. I meant it in the worst way.” And Pansy laughs, she genuinely laughs for the millionth time that night because she knows his humour and she knows that even though he didn’t like the kiss the way she did, he’s only joking with his harsh words. “Love you though.”

“Go to bed, Draco.” Pansy rolls her eyes followed by the quickest kiss on his cheek before he turns to his dorm. Tonight she’ll tell her friends that Draco kissed her and tonight she’ll pretend he enjoyed it as much as she did.

   
**vi  
19/08/1994**

Her back slams against the door of Draco’s bedroom as his hands pin hers to the wood by her side, his lips on her jaw and his scent is everywhere. She loves it. She loves him. And her head is spinning because she’s completely intoxicated by him, she won’t ever get used to this. And she knows he does this with other girls but she always wished she could be one of those and now she is and she pretends that she means more than the others because the two of them have a history and that has to count for something.

It’s the summer holidays, just a couple of weeks before the start of fifth year and Pansy hasn’t seen Draco since term ended. As soon as she arrived at Malfoy Manor, Draco had pulled her upstairs and she was hit with memories of when he’d do the same thing when they were children. But when they were children it didn’t end with his hands on the hem of her shirt as he starts pulling it over her head. And then her fingers are in his hair as his mouth trails sloppy kisses over her collar bone.

Pansy always told herself that her first time would be with someone she’s in love with, the person she’s going to marry and although she plans their wedding in her head some nights, she’s not sure that person will be Draco. But she’s in love with him, completely irrevocably in love with him and thinks that might be enough for now, even if he doesn’t love her back.

“Draco-“ She starts, cutting herself off as he sucks on her neck hard enough and in the right place to make her let out a small hiss of pleasure. “Draco, I want- I want you to takemyvirginity.” Pansy’s cheeks burn red as she rushes the last three words out, her eyes focusing on the wall behind Draco’s head because what if he says not or even worse, what if he laughs at her? His mouth stops moving against her skin as he registers what was said before he lifts his head, his eyes searching her face for any sign that she didn’t mean what she said.

“Are you sure?” And Pansy feels relief at the softness in his voice, his hands releasing hers from pinning her to door as one moves to her hip and the other lifts to move a stray lock of hair from her face. She’s sure, she’s never been more sure of anything in her life.

Pansy nods her head quickly, his eyes focused on his lips because she can’t even bare to look into his eyes at this point. “It has to be you. There’s no one else.” The words are practically a whisper as they leave her lips and when Draco’s mouth connects with hers it’s so soft that it reminds her of their first kiss after the Yule Ball, every kiss after that has been rushed and desperate until now. This kiss tells Pansy that he knows what she’s saying, he understands that it can only be him she does this with, he’s the only person she trusts to see her vulnerable that way for the first time.

Draco’s hand intertwines with hers as he walks her towards his bed and she lays down on it with nerves in the pit of her stomach and her hands trembling just the slightest amount. She watches as Draco takes his shirt off followed by his trousers so then he’s only in his underwear and it’s nothing she hasn’t seen before but it’s different this time, entirely different.

He’s on top of her then, his lips on her mouth, her jaw, her neck; everywhere. Her hands laced in his hair as she closes her eyes, her heart thudding uncontrollably and her mind is so clouded with excitement and need she can’t stop the words leaving her lips.

“I love you.” It’s not in the same way she usually says it, they both know it’s more than the brief ‘love you’s they’ve shared over the years of their friendship and Draco doesn’t stop his movements for a second.

“I know.” Pansy never expected him to say it back yet despite that, she can’t ignore the pang of pain that shoots through her heart. But she can pretend, just for tonight at least, that they are in love and it’ll be everything she imagined it would, be.

   
**vii  
****30/03/1995**

OWLs are more stressful than Pansy could have ever imagined, she spends hours on top of hours studying yet nothing seems to stay in her head and Pansy is close to accepting her fate in that she will fail everything. But it’s just past curfew and the common room is almost empty as she leans over her potions notes, the exam is only weeks away and most nights Pansy can’t sleep with worry.

When the doors to the common room open, Pansy doesn’t even lift her head until he sofa dips beside her and she’s met with the sight of Draco. Her quill drops immediately as she turns to give him her full attention and he leans into her, a yawn falling from his lips and he rests his head on her shoulder. Pansy wrinkles her nose in disgust however because while she’d usually relish in any kind of affection from him, he smells of perfume and sex and she tries to ignore the nausea spreading all over her body.

“Ugh, Draco get off me.” She pushes his head from her and instead he slouches back and sinks into the sofa. “You reek of pussy.” Draco snorts at her vulgar language, laughing loudly and she can’t help but smile back at him despite the fact that imagining him with another girl is equivilant to shattering her heart into tiny pieces.

“And you reek of jealousy,” Draco teases but he’s right and they both know it. He uses her, she knows it, he takes advantage of her feelings for him so he can have a quick fuck when he feels like it and she knows she should probably hate him for it but she loves him more than she can explain and maybe it’s fucked up but Pansy accepted that’s what she is a long time ago. He’s still her best friend and if Pansy could see past the feelings she has for him, she might come to realise that he’s not the same boy she met ten years ago and she deserves better than him but she can’t do that.

“I’m _trying_ to study.” Irritation is clear in her tone but it’s fake and Draco likes to annoy her, he always has done so he kicks his legs up onto the coffee table where her work is with a smirk. “Which you should be doing too, by the way. Not off fucking sluts in broom closets.” She pushes his feet off the table with a huff as he shrugs.

“For your information, it wasn’t a broom closet. It was a-“

“I don’t care. Now either help me with this Potions work or go get a wash.” Pansy feels him shuffle closer to her on the sofa, so close that their arms are side by side and their legs pressed against each other. He leans forward and scans his eyes over the notes in front of her, his brows furrowed as he reads and she feels secretly glad that he didn’t pay attention to her suggestion that he leaves.

Draco’s head shakes a little as he picks up her quill, dipping in the ink before he starts scratching words on her notes on brewing an Invigoration Draught. “Look Pans, you wrote it wrong. You need _three_ asphodel roots, not two. In fact, most of this is wrong, were you even paying attention?”

“Probably not. You know how much I hate that subject.” Sometimes Draco makes her feel a little inferior, mainly because he’s so clever and Pansy knows he can’t help that but if it were anyone else she’d resent it. “I don’t know why you’re acting so smart; Granger’s beating you anyway, she got top of the class in the last test.” Now it’s her turn to irritate him.

“Don’t get me started on that mudblood.” Draco sneers and she hides the way she cringes at his language because she really isn’t prejudiced, not as much as everyone thinks. She wasn’t brought up to think that way at least, her parents have always been very accepting. But as Draco grew up, he grew to have the same pure-blood elitist beliefs as his parents and Pansy only challenged him on it once before she decided it was easier to just go along with it. Her parents would no doubt be disappointed if they knew the foul things she’d said to muggle-borns at school over the years but that doesn’t seem to matter when she does it to impress him.

“Better up your game, Malfoy.” Pansy nudges him, a hint of challenge in her voice as he pushes her shoulder lightly.

“Tomorrow.” He stands up, finally deciding it’s time he got a shower. “Tomorrow, we’ll go to the library after breakfast and we’ll study. You’re going to get an Exceeds Expectations, and I’m going to beat that Granger.” Pansy is amazed at the way a few words from the right person can ease practically every worry in her mind.

 

 **viii  
** **22/05/1995**

Sex with Draco is the best thing she’s ever had the pleasure of doing. The sound of her name leaving his lips, way his hands caress her body so delicately even when the act itself is the furthest from delicate, it’s all rather mind-blowing. Draco prefers rough sex, Pansy prefers slow sex but she doesn’t ever tell him that because she supposes rough sex is better than no sex. That’s what she thinks as she comes down from what she’s sure might be the best orgasm of her life and Draco pulls out of her, dropping onto her bed beside her. Everyone else is at dinner so there’s no need for him to rush away like usual.

“Pansy, can I tell you something?” Draco’s voice is still raspy as he sits up, his hands reaching to the bottom of the bed so he can grab his shirt and Pansy nods, still too warm to even think of getting dressed. “I think I’ve fallen in love.” This is it, she thinks. This is when he finally tells her those three words she’s been waiting for since as long as she can remember and all of this pain she’s felt, all these times he’s left her in the aftermath of their sex feeling used and alone won’t matter anymore. “Do you know Astoria Greengrass?”

Her mouth goes dry and she feels a lump in the back of her throat, the back of her eyes prickling with the beginning of tears that she desperately tries to hold back. And she will hold them back because she won’t let him see her hurt even though he knows how much his words are killing her. She doesn’t think he does it intentionally but she doesn’t know him anymore, she pretends she does but she doesn’t. She hasn’t known him, _properly_ known him inside and out, since he was thirteen; growing up changed him into a much colder person than the one she grew up with. “Daphne’s sister, she’s in third year isn’t she?”

Draco swings his legs off the edge of the bed as he pulls on his underwear, deciding that he’s wearing enough clothes for now as he turns to face her. “I- She’s not like other girls, y’know? She’s special and I kissed her once, a few months back. I’ve never felt like that before, not with anyone.” There’s a dagger in her heart and Draco is holding it, twisting it deeper with each word he speaks. “I didn’t kiss her again though; I didn’t want her to just be like the others. I want everything to be right.”

The others. That includes her. She’s one of ‘the others’. How did she go from being his best friend to being nothing more than a girl he sleeps with? “Have you spoken to Astoria about it? That you- you love her.” Draco shakes his head and Pansy wonders why in the world he’s sat here with her, having just fucked her if he’s in love with someone else. Pansy couldn’t do that; she’s been hopelessly loyal to someone who will never feel the same way for the majority of her life. It’s pathetic really.

“What should I do, Pans?” Pansy feels the jealousy still burning in the pit of her stomach, anger the only thing driving her thoughts as she goes through possible answers in her head. She wants to tell him to stay away from her, to yell at him for leading her on all these years, swear at him for taking advantage of her. But she does none of those things.

“I think you need to tell her.” Before now, Pansy didn’t think it would be possible to be heartbroken by her own words but as they echo around her dorm she thinks that’s just what’s happened.

“But what if she doesn’t love me back? What if she feels nothing?” _Well then you’ll know exactly how I feel._ Pansy doesn’t speak half of the words she thinks most of the time.

“You get on with it. You keep your head high and wait until something better comes along.” Draco’s eyes are burning into hers as she speaks and she knows he’s got questions on the tip of his tongue that she’s not certain he’ll ask.

“Is that what you did?” He’s talking about her, about her feelings for him as though they don’t exist anymore and then it hits her that maybe he has no idea she still feels that way for him. He doesn’t have any clue about the extent of her love for him, both platonic and romantic. And she wants to tell him the truth, that no – she’s still waiting for that ‘something better’ but she doesn’t. She’d rather be in pain; she’d rather be broken hearted for the rest of her life than possibly burden him with the guilt of her feelings when he has a chance at being happy.

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I did.”

   
**ix  
08/08/1995**

“Does it hurt? **”** Pansy asks as she sits opposite Draco on her bed, his sleeve is rolled up and on his forearm she watches the tattoo move under his skin. It causes shivers of fear to run through her body. Part of her wants to touch it but the other part is disgusted, just slightly to the point where she can't look him in the eye.

“At first it did, not so much now.” Draco shrugs, pulling his sleeve back down but through the thin white fabric she can still make out the black stain on his skin. “Do you hate me?” Pansy shakes her head instinctively; she should hate him, she should be telling him to get the hell out of her house because Draco Malfoy is a Death Eater and this isn’t right. But she doesn’t hate him. She understands he had no choice, she’s listened to his explanation over and over again and she gets it, she gets him.

“Of course not.” She whispers, finally looking up at him and there’s a sadness on his face that she hasn’t seen before. He looks young and old all at once, young because he appears so damn vulnerable and old because his eyes are tired and his skin is pale and she feels more pity for him than anything. “Everything that’s happened, you- you didn’t have any other choice.”

“Astoria is going to hate me.” He’s going to cry again and she’s going to have to hold him again as she desperately tries to hold back tears because she’s never seen him so broken before and she’s not used to being the one who has to stay strong. But he blinks away the tears. “I- I had to break up with her. I’m too scared he’ll use it against me so I sent her an owl. How noble of me.”  Pansy rolls her eyes at his dry humour even at times like this but at least this is a way to get him to smile even if it’s the tiniest amount.

“Wow Draco, I hope you had the decency to at least use your best quill and take your time with the most elaborate handwriting.” She teases and he gives a weak chuckle.

“Actually, I scribbled it out at 2am in the dark so who knows what it looks like.” A snort of laughter leaves Pansy’s mouth at his words and his face seems to light up because even at times like this, she can always make him laugh.

She’s also gotten used to the idea of Draco and Astoria being together, almost. She spent the rest of fifth year purposely looking away from the two of them when Draco chose to sit with Astoria instead of her at meals, she spent way too many nights crying over it that she became numb to the idea and began to not feel anything when Draco cluelessly asked her for advice on relationships. As if she’d have the slightest idea, she’d always scoffed in her head.

That’s why she’s not surprised by the sadness and pity she feels for Draco when finding out he had to leave the girl he loves so intensely that even Pansy can’t pretend he doesn’t anymore. She still loves Draco, she thinks she always will but she’s not going to hold him back. It’s her problem to deal with, not his.

“When all this is over, you can explain it to her properly. She’ll understand, I know it and then you can be happy.” Draco’s head is shaking in disagreement before she’s even finished speaking.

“I think you’re the only person I want around when all this is over, Pans. The world is too complicated for being in love, friendship is more important.” Pansy doesn’t press the fact that she is in love with him and therefore his theory doesn’t matter in the slightest to her. “When everything’s done, we can be roommates and we’ll rent a place and get good jobs and we won’t need anyone else. Just me and you.”

Pansy’s happy with that plan. He might not want to marry her, he might not even love her but that’s the best she’s going to get and she couldn’t be more satisfied.

   
**x  
14/10/2004**

_Hey Pans,_

_I know we haven’t spoken in a while and I was going to send you the same invite as everyone else but I thought you deserve a handwritten one (lucky)._

_I asked Astoria to marry me! Can you believe it? I certainly can’t! But we’re getting married on the 14 th of December and I’d love if you’d come to the wedding. It’ll only be you, Blaise and Daphne from school but I miss you a lot and you’re the only one I haven’t seen since everything happened. _

_I’ll still send you the proper invitation so you know the dates and things but I just wanted you to know that I want you there more than I want any of the others really and it’d make me beyond happy. I do hope you can make it (mother says she misses you as well)._

_Lots of love, your bestest friend (Draco in case you didn’t already know). Xx_

“Incendio.” Pansy mutters as she watches the parchment go up in flames, her heart heavy but she ignores it as she takes a puff of her cigarette. She’s long past the point of being sad over Draco Malfoy, she did enough of that after the war. He was the one who chose not to reply to her letters, he was the one who didn’t get into contact until now.

Pansy spent many months waiting for his owl or even for him to turn up at her door with the keys to their place they were going to rent and that grin that she used to love so much but now she can’t fully picture. _We won’t need anyone else. Just me and you._ The words haunted her, they were the only things she could think of for such a long time as she clung onto the hope that he hadn’t forgotten about her, he was just busy fixing himself after the war.

But she saw him on the cover of the Prophet, he had a job at the Ministry, he attended events with Astoria on his arm and she washed away the bitter taste in her mouth with cigarette smoke; deciding that killing herself this way was much less painful that killing herself by pining after him. Because that’s what she’d been doing all those years; following him around, being at his beck and call, letting him use her whenever he wished – those were all things that broke her bit by bit but she was too blinded by him to notice it until she was away from him.

And Pansy spent hours contemplating whether she’d go to the wedding, she’s read the letter hundreds of times but that only served to convince her that she can’t possibly face him. Not after all this time. And it might upset him, she knows that, it won’t be easy for him to get married without having his oldest friend there but Pansy has spent too much of her life going out of her way to keep Draco Malfoy happy.

Pansy has had enough of pretending that she’s going to get her happy ending. It’s time for her to face reality and her reality is harsh and sometimes lonely but now _this_ is the best she’s going to get. Pansy is ready to accept that.


End file.
